The Son He Always Wanted (Final Part)

                Not knowing what to feel or act, she decided to go inside the house. There she found her love of life in the arms of another woman, all she can do was just stare and cry. She finally decided to yell “Kevin”, where he turned around and his face was white as a ghost. Ciara didn’t know how to reacted, what to say and whatever comes to her mind she said.

                 “What the hell are you doing? Is this what you call leaving for work you bastard? How could you do this to me and our two daughters? Don’t you have any shame at all? You are a fucking liar and a cheat. I am taking my kids and leaving you. You can stay with this fucking whore and this ugly ass little boy, that this whore have.”

                  Kevin can’t believe she just said all of those words to him, and decided to slap her.

               “Who the hell do you think you come in someone home and behave like this, and then you speak about shame? And this boy you just call ugly is my SON, who you couldn’t give me. And this whore you called happens to be my life because unlike you, she fulfills my wish. You are so stupid to think that I would of have stay with you, when you couldn’t give me the one thing I asked for? As far as I’m concerned no man would want a nasty, fucked up woman like you. And don’t talk about lies, because you are the biggest liar and cheat of all. GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE NOW AND LEAVE MY HOUSE. You are no longer part of my life, and those daughters are not mine.”

                         Ciara left her husband, took her two daughters and went to her mother’s place. Two weeks later Ciara received divorce papers, and she decided not to sign them. Ciara decided that as long as she was alive no one can take her place in her husband’s life. As time passed, Ciara realized that the man she loved so much, didn’t care shit about her. She decided to sign the divorce paper and that night, she drank poison and killed herself along with her two daughters.

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#1   Pru on 11.27.11 at 10:05 pm

wow is all I can say but I think the ending came a little to quikly maybe build up to it? Or something…

#2   jenny abeles on 11.29.11 at 10:28 am

Wow is right. Kevin is a D*CK! (That’s right, one big duck…). So, you’ve outlined an effective story arc, the tried and true trajectory from romantic bliss to agonizing disillusionment and separation. In its present form, this reads as more of a synopsis than a story because we don’t really get to know the characters yet, we don’t hear them speak to one another until the very end when they’re screaming rank insults, and we don’t get to see them living out the little, mundane moments of their lives that distinguish them from the general crush of humanity. (See Raymond Carver…) Can I suggest that you choose one scene from this drama and write it out in full detail, using the objects they live among, their habits and mannerisms, etc to add dimension to these characters? Slow down the pace of the story, go into real time, and show us a moment of their lives that makes them seem other than the plastic figures on top of a wedding cake. We the readers cannot care about them unless we believe they are real.

You are aware of the plot–a vivid, dramatic one–now show us more about the characters…

and thanks for the way your formatted this (part 1, 2, etc)–it makes it very easy to read and follow along. Keep up the good work!

#3   kocampo100 on 11.29.11 at 5:14 pm

I agree with Prudence, you got me hooked on reading every part but i feel as though the end came too abruptly. She’s right about maybe building up to it so the endind can be as dramatic as the entire story otherwise great work =]

#4   julieengel on 11.30.11 at 8:54 am

Your short story was quite enjoyable, but maye you could revise it and add a bit more that leads up to the ending.

#5   michelle on 12.02.11 at 6:01 pm

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I, myself thinks that the ending came a bit too fast, but the I just wanted to get to the end already. i will build more details towards the end, and let me know what you all think. Professor I wil try and make more dialgoues and make the characters seem more real

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